These Things Will Change

I saw my 10 month old nephew yesterday and he was so cute. He wouldn't let me leave the house when it was time to go. He kept hanging on to my shirt everytime I tried to hand him over to someone else. It made me feel really loved.

Today we should be celebrating our son's 1st birthday so I am feeling kind of sad.
I miss him so much but I am looking forward to the future.

Last night my mom and I went to the Taylor Swift concert and it was so much fun! I felt like a little girl again. I love her song Change. It reminds me not to give up and that things will change and I won't be childless forever. It was so inspiring to hear her sing it live last night.




Here are the lyrics:

CHANGE
By Taylor Swift

It's a sad picture;
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again,
You know it's all the same,
Another time and place,
Repeating history and you're getting sick of it
But I believe in whatever you do,
And I'll do anything to see it through...
Chorus:
Because these things will change,
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back
will fall down,
It's a revolution,
The time will come for us to finally win,
And we'll sing
Hallelujah
We'll sing
Hallelujah
Oh
So we've been outnumbered,
Threatened and now cornered,
It's hard to fight when the fight ain't fair,
We're getting stronger now,
find things they never found,
They might be bigger,
but we're faster and never scared.
You can walk away say "We don't need this"
But there's something in your eyes
says "We can beat this"
Chorus:
Because these things will change,
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down,
It's a revolution,
The time will come for us to finally win,
And we'll sing
Hallelujah
We'll sing
Hallelujah
Oh

Tonight we'll stand,
Get off our knees,
Fight for what we've worked for all these years,
and the battle was long,
It's the fight of our lives,
When we stand up,
Champions tonight
It was the night things changed,
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back...fell down,
It's a revolution,
Throw your hands up,
'cause we never gave in,
And we'll sing
Hallelujah
We sang
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Yeah

Have a great and safe weekend everyone!

The Wait Really Is the Hardest Part

Wow-They weren't kidding when they said the wait is the hardest part. It's only been about a month in a 1/2 since we went active with Lifetime Adoptions and I am already getting antsy. I bring my phone everywhere in case they call. Everyday I pray they call but they don't. Today I find myself feeling very sad and wondering if I will ever be a mother. I didn't sleep very well last night and woke up and had a good cry after breakfast. Everyday I see others around me having babies and it makes me sad. Of course I am happy for everyone else but I want to experience the wonderful joys everyone else is posting about on their facebook or myspace pages and experience motherhood first hand. I have never wanted something so badly in my life.

I'm tired of taking things one step at a time. I'm tired of waiting. I'm just plan tired. Each month I still have that little hope inside me that I will be pregnant and that the next one will stick but this morning I realized I am so tired of all the worry. I am so ready to adopt a baby and really start my family with my husband. Today I just feel so broken. I know it is normal to have days like this and these feelings will too pass but I am just so ready.

Maybe I am feeling extra down because this Friday I should be celebrating our little boy's first birthday on May 22nd. He is the only baby we acutally saw a heartbeat with and then 3 weeks later he was gone. I still think about that day. The day I had to call my husband and tell him I lost yet another baby of ours. We were so close that time it still hurts to not know why we lost him.

I know I have to keep looking forward and not looking back at the past but it is just so hard sometimes. I look forward to the day we get that call from Lifetime and get to talk to our birth mother. I look forward to the day I get to finally bring my baby home and show him or her to the world. I look forward to making my parents grandparents and my brother an uncle finally. I look forward to the day I get to make my husband a father. I look forward to the day I am finally a mother.

Mother's Day While Waiting to Adopt

Here it is, once again, Mother's Day. Each year around this time I find myself praying that I will be a mother to a living child one year from now and each year it is the same thing. Another pregnancy loss or 2 and another holiday where I watch all of my friends who are mothers get recognition as I sit by wishing and hoping and praying that someday I will get to celebrate this wonderful day not just as a daughter but as a mother myself. This year to date I have 5 angels in heaven that will celebrate Mother's Day with me in my heart.

It was so nice to check my email today and receive a Mother's Day e-card from my Adoption Coordinator Dee over at Lifetime. I think this is the first Mother's Day card I have ever gotten!

I am really impressed with the amount of attention Lifetime Adoptions gives its families waiting to be matched. Every month they have a teleconference where a recent adoptive mother shares her story. This past week the call was amazing. I was literally crying tears of happiness for the new mom who was on the phone. I can't wait for the day when I get to tell my story.

Below is also a message and a video from the founder of Lifetime (an adoptive mother herself) Mardie Caldwell:

"Mother's Day while waiting to adopt can be difficult. But it can also be a day to reflect upon your blessings and strengthen your resolve that you WILL become parents through adoption if you do not give up. We are praying for you today and every day!"




HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to everyone out there!

Check out our adoption website and forward on to your family and friends!

http://www.lifetimeadoption.com/for_birtmothers/families/weston_lisa/index.html

"Officially Waiting"

Now we are officially in the "waiting" period. This is the hard part where we just have to wait to be matched. They said the average time is between 3 months to a year to get matched with a birth mom. It's only been a couple of weeks and I am already getting antsy!! LOL I have never been one to be patient though so I guess this is good training for when the little one finally does get here.

A friend of mine just sent me this a few days ago and it really spoke to me. (especially with Mother's Day coming up) That is a hard holiday for me since I don't get acknowledged as a mother because I don't have a living child here on earth. Anyway- here is what she sent me:


I WILL BE...
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought,
without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be a great mom. I will be a great mom not because of genetics,
or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep,explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as my own body has betrayed me.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

And yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Good video message from Mardie Caldwell, CEO of LIfetime Adoption, about "Waiting"